Breaking News: Santa Clause Isn’t Real


Breaking news: the Santa we know and love has been dethroned to a childish figment of imagination. The magical man in the big red suit, who we had suspicions was either a dad enduring a mid-life crisis or a Macy’s worker, can officially be declared a fallacy all together.
Many unanswered questions. Endless missing pieces in the story of the casualty of Father Christmas. How do we as a Jesuit community move forward?

Some students don’t plan to.

“Santa has always been there for my family when I needed him most. He’s been a day one and I stand by that and I always will,” Junior Nick Miller said.

U.S History teacher Mr. Geoffrey Hunnicutt partners with this resistance.

“At first I refused to believe in Santa because I thought him a commie: The red suit, Karl Marx beard, over promising to everyone. Then I realized he was the polar opposite: Promoter of rampant consumerism, exploitation of non-unionized elf labor and exotic animals, even living in a mansion in an exclusive and nearly inaccessible community.” Hunnicutt said. “Santa is a capitalist and he is real!”

Often times, when a tragedy of this magnitude strikes, victims undergo the five stages of grief. This cycle of mourning begins with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression, and ultimately acceptance.

Unlike Miller, who sides with the remaining Santa-believers worldwide trapped in a state of denial, other Jesuit student’s transition to next stage of grief, anger. Addressing the overwhelming grief that engulfs our community, students turn in on themselves and reevaluate everything they thought they knew about Christmas.

“You know I’m devastated, but I’m also a little angry. I feel like I’ve been lied to my whole life. I prayed to him [Santa] every Sunday,” Junior Eric Belden said. “I just don’t know where to go from here. It’s the little things that get me, like how are the elves are gonna find work now, their boss is fake.”
No matter how members of our community chose to cope with the aftermath of Santa’s exposé, it is vital we come together and make sure this mass destruction of holiday spirit is never conjured again.

“I was thinking I could become Santa when I’m older that way my kids won’t feel the devastation and pain I’m going through right now,” Belden said.